AND BREATHE
After 380 matches the Premier League season many thought might never end is finally over. At least 164 of those matches seem to have been contested by Crystal Palace and Burnley, often at a time when most normal folk are watching Pointless or Home and Away, wondering what to have for dinner and if perhaps it’s a little too early to uncork a bottle. The Fiver has long been of the opinion that it is never too early to uncork a bottle and what better reason does one need than to toast the efforts of players from Crystal Palace, Burnley and every other team, many of whom were flogged to within an inch of their lives for our amusement.
Yes, they are all mollycoddled, handsomely remunerated and had it a lot easier than most throughout the pandemic but footballers also like to watch Pointless and their often heroic efforts during such a tedious time of uncertainty should not be taken for granted. A tip of the sombrero rim to Southampton’s James Ward-Prowse and Tottenham’s Pierre-Emile Højbjerg, the only two outfield players to participate in all 3,420 minutes (plus added time) of their respective team’s top-flight campaigns. In stark contrast the comparatively idle Tomas Soucek could only manage a paltry 3,419 for West Ham.
Chelsea lucky to make Champions League, admits Thomas TuchelRead more
Manchester City are worthy champions, their conspicuous dodgy spell doing less harm to their title-winning chances than the early-season torment endured by Chelsea and Liverpool’s at times baffling middle-season ennui. Beyond a 6-1 mauling at the hands of the now departed José Mourinho’s freestyling Tottenham Globetrotters, Manchester United were arguably a model of consistency, but just not good enough to take advantage of their rivals’ assorted slumps. Consistent only in their maddening annual inconsistency, Everton somehow managed to remain in the Big Cup qualification conversation until as recently as last month before fouling the collective bed and finishing 10th.
Fulham also flattered to deceive after a shocking start but came up well short, their manager’s emotive post-match interviews providing The Streets’ Mike Skinner enough material for a 12-album collaborative box-set. The Cottagers go down with our best wishes along with a West Brom side that proved one conflagration too many for Fireman Sam and a Sheffield United team that never really got motoring at all. And as if all that wasn’t enough of a distraction, we had a quickly aborted breakaway, several demonstrations of fan power and a racism war that is as ongoing as it is apparently unwinnable with which to contend.
Ultimately it was a bizarre Mary Celeste of a season few who lived, played or coached through it will ever forget, even if the sheer relentlessness of the schedule and volume of televised games have made specific events surprisingly difficult to remember.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I don’t think it will sink in completely because without going crazy I think the impossible has been made possible. It shouldn’t happen, as simple as that. Hornchurch shouldn’t be winning the FA Trophy. For the level we play at, it’s ridiculous. I told the players to take something on board from what [Stuart Pearce] tells you and he said a film should be made about what we have done” – Hornchurch boss Mark Stimson makes his pitch to Hollywood after the seventh tier side’s Wembley win over Hereford.
View image in fullscreenAnd what a good looking trophy it is. Photograph: Zac Goodwin/PA
RECOMMENDED BOOKING
Tickets are available now for Football Weekly Live’s Euro Not 2020 preview special on 10 June. Get them while they’re hot.
FIVER LETTERS
“It was interesting to see in the Fans’ Verdicts for the season gone that the Arsenal fan thought the team ‘failed to hang on to leads, lacked leadership on the pitch and lacked the passion to win’, they needed a defensive coach, domineering central defender, someone to protect the back four (Nigel de Jong), a midfielder and a prolific striker… 10 years ago” – Noble Francis.
“Any reader suggestions for the Europa Conference? What follows on from Big Cup to Big Vase to Big??? I’ll kick off with Big Paperweight” – Mark Bennett.
“Bearing in mind that its sole and noble purpose appears to be to bring glory to the unmeasured might of Moldova and continental blessings to the titans of Tallinn, can we not just call it EuroVasion?” – Neil Dobson.
“Re: referee misadventures (Fiver letters passim): a slight variation on a theme. In 1984 I was head of department at a large London comprehensive. I fancied myself as a decent centre-back and the 16-year-old student striker who was on Arsenal’s books held no fear for me when the staff played the first XI. He ran me ragged and his parents and others on the touchline were loving it. Halfway through the second half he berated one of his teammates and called him an [effing] idiot. I sent him off for his bad language. Out of disbelief no one objected and we won 2-1. The referee was a junior member of my department. Those were the days” – Andrew Parker.
Send your letters to [email protected]. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Andrew Parker.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING AND WATCHING
Max Rushden and the pod squad wrap up the season in Football Weekly – and you can watch Max and Barry Glendenning review the season in this here video.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Don Sergio Ramos has been left out of Spain’s squad for Euro Not 2020.
Tommy T is confident that Édouard Mendy will recover from rib-ouch in time for Big Cup final.
Kalvin Phillips looks a doubt for the Euro jamboree with a fresh bout of shoulder-gah while Nick Pope’s knee-knack has ruled him out of the England squad.
Wolves ejected a supporter from Molineux for racially abusing BT Sport pundit Rio Ferdinand. “We are deeply sorry Rio,” read a club tweet. “This person does not represent our club, our supporters or our values.”
Gini Wijlnaldum is preparing for the leaving of Liverpool. “It is very emotional for me because I lose a friend and I will miss him,” sobbed Jürgen Klopp.
And there were hot salty tears of sorrow shed at Eastlands, too, where Manchester City paid tribute to the departing Sergio Agüerooooooooooooo. “He’s a special person,” wailed Pep. “He’s so nice.”
STILL WANT MORE?
Forgotten the season already? Fear not. Our hacks have picked out the best of the 2020-21 Premier League season: Players, gaffers, goals, gripes, flops, youngsters, matches, signings and pundits are all catered for.
After 41 years, Werder Bremen plunged to relegation, and deservedly so, writes Andy Brassell.
View image in fullscreenAlbum cover vibes in Bremen. Photograph: Focke Strangmann/EPA
Juventus got lucky in making next season’s Big Cup, and they can thank Verona for that, says Nicky Bandini.
La Liga went down to the wire – as Diego Simeone always said it would, writes Sid Lowe.
What did the fans think of the Premier League season, a two part guide here and here.
Lille held their nerve thanks to the mastery of manager Christophe Galtier, write Ligue Urrrrrrrn aficionados Adam White and Eric Devin.
And for the final time this season, 10 talking points from a Super Duper Sunday.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
